I will go to church when my kids get older...

I wrote this for The Table's blog and thought I would share it here as well.  It captures our life at this moment in time!


With three children some Sundays, no, MOST Sundays, it would be easier to stay at home than go to church. Being married to the pastor who needs to be at church early, it has become my responsibility to gather the brood and get them out the door on time, usually while juggling a hot dish. He always graciously asks if there is anything he can do before he leaves. A helpful question, but so much changes in a mere 30-40 minutes.

Inevitably about 10 minutes before we need to leave, a baby needs to eat.  Nursing has become cue for total mayhem from the other children.  Just how much can we get away with while mom has a baby attached to her? Now it is time to go and shoes that were on are off. One kid is digging in the pantry looking for something to eat and the other kid is in the middle of something very important and cannot think about getting her shoes on until it is finished. Then I start getting impatient because I like to be on time and then my voice gets a little louder and a little less kind.  Please, get your shoes on.

Meanwhile I am loading a crying baby in a car seat and getting the food ready. The dialogue goes something like this:
 I asked you to get your shoes on. No, you can’t go in your flip-flops, it is winter. Here put this coat on. Well, you need a coat, it’s cold. Sure you can bring that giant stuffed animal to church, you just have to share it.

Baby is still crying and then another kid starts whining about something and the other kid has disappeared to do Lord knows what. Church starts in 5 minutes and I forgot to change my shirt that has spit up all over it.  This is the point in the Sunday when I am tempted to throw in a Veggie Tales DVD and call it church, because as many parents of young children know, in reality, I will probably get more out of it.

Getting out the door to go to church is really only half the battle. Once at church my children run around and fight with each other or fall down from running around making it almost impossible to start and finish a conversation with another adult. My husband begins the service and I herd my small children close to my side so we can worship the Lord together.  Holding my baby, I try to keep my toddler from running away to play with the toys and my kindergartner from distracting everyone by her beautiful interpretive dancing that somehow more closely resembles a back-up dancer at a Beyonce concert. I close my eyes for a moment to worship only to open them again and see a child either talking to a friend (loudly) or balancing from a chair.  I am attempting to perfect the purposeful “stop-what-you-are-doing-right-now” look, but it does not faze my children.

I am exhausted just writing about our typical Sunday. But, you know, when I get home on Sunday evening with sugar high kids, (they always ask for another cookie when I am immersed in a conversation and I nod to get them to stop interrupting) I never regret going to church. Despite unfinished conversations, distracted worship and missed sermons, something happens at church. God shows up. Not in a profound “slain in the spirit” way, He’s just there in the room full of people who love Jesus and are striving to live for Him. It is so good for me to be part of something bigger than myself, to remember that this life is not lived in vain, to remember I am not alone. I want my children to experience this, to learn that they are part of something huge and beautiful and messy and even as children they are invited to participate. And although it would be easier and more convenient most days, we cannot get this from a Veggie Tales DVD. So, again on Sunday, we will head out the door with mismatched socks, spit-up stained shirts, curse words on the tip of my tongue because at the end of the day it is completely worth it.

As per requested by Aunt Jill - Silas pictures

My Aunt Jill is my dad's little sister.  Growing up I remember sleep overs at her house - watching movies and playing games with her and my cousin Chris. It was so fun to go stay with her! In college, I crashed at her house and was introduced to the infamous Pride & Prejudice movie and struggled to stay awake. She is a wonderful aunt and does so much for her nieces and nephews. She is the 7th of 7 children and so I can understand her encouragement to get my 3rd child some blog time.

So without further ado - Silas in the last month or so.

Sick of the $%^T!!

Sorry to be so crass, but when you talk about cows, horses and 2.5 year olds in diapers, there is no other way to describe it.  The poop is no longer cute and manageable.  It is shit.

So it is in this spirit that we are approaching potty training.  Amos may not be ready, but mom and dad are.

The plan: nudity and bribery.  I mean come on, the kid gets to watch the ipad AND have a chocolate chip for just sitting there?!

Day 1 was a bit of a crap shoot.  Literally.  Day 2 I was thinking that maybe we were just shooting for the stars by trying to do this...

And then...

When we were all busy and not looking

  AMOS PEED IN THE POTTY!!!

Dancing and celebration ensued followed by the purchase of a new toy car.  (Did I mention that bribery is being laid on thick?!)

We are now on Day 3 and Amos so thoughtfully used his hands to take his poop from the potty chair to the toilet to flush it down.

And this, my friends, is progress.

The beginning

It was Friday, September 6.  We had been counting down the days with a paper chain.  It was the main focus in our house the whole week leading up to it.

Kindergarten. Montana's first day of the next 12+ years of school.

There were a few tears...from mom...but I tried to stay strong.  The parents were quickly ushered from the kindergarten room to be bombarded by the PTA and bagels and coffee. It was a rainy day.  Very fitting with my mood.

But she came home (at 3pm!!) and was so excited.  She made a few new "BFFs" although she couldn't remember their names.  The first week is behind us now.  She LOVES it.  The girl has been tired though.  It is a big adjustment for all of us having her away from 8:30-3 everyday.  Amos misses her, but we have had some sweet time together without her.

A new season. A new era.  

Her first day outfit. Planned out for days

Heading out the door.  So grateful that we can walk to school

Seriously, another picture, dad?

Getting started on her first activity

Community Sucks

Mostly I sing the praises of living in the beautiful mess of community. But it is messy and sometimes it sucks.


Community sucks when...

...people you love move away

...you cannot live up to the *assumed* expectations of your retired neighbors

...you have no privacy

...you are too busy and too tired to connect with people

...people obsess about the most ridiculous things

...you are annoyed and want to be left alone

...people talk about you 

...you talk about people

...you feel watched and judged

...you let people down

 ...you lose perspective

Random Weekend Thoughts

ONE

 We have a neighbor girl who knocks on our door several times a day now that it is summer.  She wants to play, but unfortunately she always makes an appearance at inopportune times...usually around dinner time, quiet time or bed time.  It is hard not to be annoyed.  I have been praying for patience for my children, and now here is an opportunity for me to practice and display patience.

Taking a step back, there is yet another lesson or parallel.  No matter how many times I "knock" on God's door and go to Him with concerns or thoughts, He never gets annoyed with me.  It is never the wrong time for God. He is always available and always willing to listen.

TWO

Aaron and I had a leisurely anniversary breakfast yesterday with Silas.  The big kids were with K & D - again. (THANK YOU!!) Another mom came in to the restaurant with her new baby. This may sound weird, but I could tell that she still had pregnancy weight leftover and you know what? She looked beautiful. In a way I felt like I was looking in the mirror. Of course I am not back to my normal size, but I still look great and I had a baby 4 weeks ago!  I may be rounder and fuller, but my son is my favorite accessory now.  Sometimes seeing ourselves as others see us is difficult.  We are so hard on ourselves, but when I saw this other beautiful mama, I saw myself too.  What a gift!

THREE

I had the privilege of being interviewed for research on birth experiences.  I was asked about what factors helped and hindered me during my pregnancy, birth, and now postpartum.  As a counselor, I know the power of simply sharing your story, but yesterday I was the one sharing my story. And it was empowering sharing my experiences...and it was a wonderful reminder of how blessed I am to have such amazing support in my husband, friends and community. The adjustment to 3 kids has been so smooth as a result of support.  I couldn't have made it this last month without my sister, friends, neighbors, and husband.  I am one grateful girl!

I think another thing that has helped in this adjustment, is the fact that we are going on a road trip tomorrow.  We are loading up our new gold mini van and driving as a family of 5 to South Dakota for our annual 4th of July hoop-la. Knowing that we will be seeing family, the 5 of us will be together without work and chores to occupy our time, and that my kids are going to have a blast has made the last few weeks of resting at home and watching more TV than usual worth it!  Now I better get packing!

SOUTH DAKOTA OR BUST, BABY!!

He is here!

Silas Wisdom Walters was born at home on June 2, 2013.  He weighed in at 7lbs 9oz.  We are so grateful he made it...and right on time!

Although my actual due date was June 1, I figured that I would have the baby in May because both of the other kiddos were early.  The last week in May, my parents came and left, but no baby. My sister arrived on June 1, and I was getting worried the little tyke wouldn't come...

But that night, I woke up around 2 am with contractions.   It was a quiet morning and Aaron and I enjoyed the time together while everyone slept.  Aaron even made scones! We called the midwife at 6:30 am and she arrived around 8 and by the time she got her things set up, I was almost ready to push. Silas was born at 10:30am!  My sister and my friend, Aime, were here to be my post-birth nurses and they did an incredible job of fetching me things, shuttling the kids around, and making food.  The kids were at a neighbor's house and came and met their new little brother. It was so fun to introduce them.

We had a difficult time choosing Silas' name...well his middle name at least.  Both Montana and Amos have "virtues" as their middle name (Faith & Pax) and we wanted to follow the pattern.  We over-analyzed first names and googled Wisdom and other virtues in search of alternative words or definitions that would sound "cool" with Silas. At the end of the day, we went with wisdom...it is straight forward and everyone knows the meaning.  Silas means "forest/rooted" and so our prayer for Silas is that he will be rooted in Wisdom.  I love the imagery of an overgrown forest, all of the roots are connected and those trees grow because of the depth and connection of the roots...May wisdom be those roots for Silas.

Silas Wisdom...we already love you so much.  You have made our family complete and we are so glad you have come.

The most pregnant I have ever been!

Silas Wisdom

7lbs 9 oz

The kids' response to Silas' cry

First family photo.  Our family was missing someone...now he is here!!

Arizona fun

In Sedona

These girls daily made me laugh so hard that I cried...

The guys who spent  most of their pool time reading about and/or discussing theology

Celebrating Aime and Ashley's anniversary.  We definitely enjoyed wonderful food on this vacation!

 And the kids had a pretty good time too with Grandma and Papa...

 

 It was a fantastic trip.  Aaron and I had an amazing time with our friends and we came back feel refreshed and connected which was exactly what we were hoping for.  We missed our kiddos lots, but knew they were in good hands.  Grandma and Papa deserve a big shout out for staying with the kids and being awesome grandparents.

Collecting Sunshine and Happy Thoughts

April 1. Exactly two months until my due date. And exactly two days until I get on a plane to go to Arizona with Aaron and our close friends. Did I mention that the kids are staying home with Grandma and Papa (thank you!)??

Yes, we are going to collect sunshine and warmth for the Northwest Spring that tends to be rainy.  It is supposed to be 90 degrees while we are in Arizona and my goal is not to complain about the heat, but to soak it in and absorb as much Vitamin D as possible.

I am also going to collect happy thoughts about my husband.  You see, in about 3 months I will likely not have very happy thoughts about my husband in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse the baby again.  I know what's ahead with a newborn.  It is an exciting, sweet time with a new little one, but it is also exhausting and I remember the sleep deprivation well. More than ever with a new baby, my husband and I become business partners negotiating schedules and children and chores.  It's too easy forget that he is my friend and I like him. A lot.

So, we are leaving the kids behind to have some fun with our friends and with each other.  Just like I am going to collect sunshine for the rainy days, I am going to collect happy thoughts for the long nights. Arizona seems like the perfect place to do both. 

In 2 days, I will be sitting beside a pool soaking in the sun with my buddy beside me.

Belly x 3

25 weeks with Montana

 The other day I found these pictures of when I was about 25ish weeks pregnant with Montana and Amos.  I thought I would document 28 weeks with this little guy.  As you can see, I get bigger and bigger with each pregnancy! The 3rd pregnancy is VERY different than the first.  When I was pregnant with Montana, I had a lot of time to exercise and eat healthy.  I probably walked about an hour every day.  Currently my form of exercise is running to the grocery store to get my growing children (and myself) more food or running to ballet or swim lessons.  It doesn't necessarily burn calories!!  

Overall, I am feeling great and really love being pregnant. About 3 months to go before life as we know it is altered!!

25ish weeks with Amos

28 weeks with #3

Both

I am pregnant.  We are expecting a baby boy sometime around the first of June. We are happy and excited and feel so blessed.  We wanted a third baby and the third time must be a charm because unlike the other two kiddos, this one only took 1 or 2 "tries".

There is a Jewish concept that I learned from reading Blessings of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel and it has really stuck with me. It expresses the idea of balance: "Keep two pieces of paper in your pockets at all times.  On one write, 'I am a speck of dust.' On the other, 'The world was created for me.'"

This concept resonates with me deeply because so many times in life we experience opposing thoughts and feelings at one time.  How many times do we suggest that something is "bittersweet"?  For example, moving is sad and exciting.  It is not one or the other.  It is both.

When I think about having another baby and feel him moving inside of me, I am thrilled.  And then I think of some of my friends who long to be mothers. For some, a partner has come too late in life...or not at all.  For others, they have been trying to get pregnant for months and years.  Other friends have had too many miscarriages.  I can't help but remember these precious women in the midst of my fullness and feel sorrow.  I don't know what it's like, but I can imagine.  I can imagine that every time she hears that someone else is pregnant, she has to hide her grief, disappointment and anger that it is not her...again.

So at this time, I hold joy in one pocket and sorrow in the other. In the midst of my excitement, I remember the pain that some women are experiencing. It is hard to hold BOTH without diminishing one or the other. But life forces us to. It is not one or the other.  It is both.

Got inspiration? Not me.

I need another cup of coffee.

My motivation is low. All inspiration has vanished. I feel like hiding and emerging when spring (and the sunshine) arrives.

Some days I feel like my world is so small.  Some days I can only manage my marriage, two kids, and my hormonal body. Barely.

And then I read a blog or a facebook post about women who are making a difference. Fighting oppression and human injustice.  Making art. Challenging archaic views of women and church. Creating beautiful things and ideas. Envisioning new possibilities. And some of these women have small children, like more than 2 children.

Where do they find the passion? The energy? The inspiration? Right now I feel overwhelmed by the need to feed my family supper tonight. We probably shouldn't go out to eat again this week.

I want to live beyond myself and my family. I long to have a passion to channel my inspiration and energy into. But today, in this moment, I don't know how. I don't know how to make a difference in the lives of other women around me, let alone globally. I cannot find any inspiration.

I keep thinking that one day when my kids are in school I will be able to devote myself to a cause, to something that will make a difference. But today, I am not sure if that is true.  Maybe my middle class life is all I can manage. I hope not.

Maybe I will have another cup of coffee. For today that is about all the inspiration I can muster.