Friday, February 22, 2013

Both

I am pregnant.  We are expecting a baby boy sometime around the first of June. We are happy and excited and feel so blessed.  We wanted a third baby and the third time must be a charm because unlike the other two kiddos, this one only took 1 or 2 "tries".

There is a Jewish concept that I learned from reading Blessings of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel and it has really stuck with me. It expresses the idea of balance: "Keep two pieces of paper in your pockets at all times.  On one write, 'I am a speck of dust.' On the other, 'The world was created for me.'"

This concept resonates with me deeply because so many times in life we experience opposing thoughts and feelings at one time.  How many times do we suggest that something is "bittersweet"?  For example, moving is sad and exciting.  It is not one or the other.  It is both.

When I think about having another baby and feel him moving inside of me, I am thrilled.  And then I think of some of my friends who long to be mothers. For some, a partner has come too late in life...or not at all.  For others, they have been trying to get pregnant for months and years.  Other friends have had too many miscarriages.  I can't help but remember these precious women in the midst of my fullness and feel sorrow.  I don't know what it's like, but I can imagine.  I can imagine that every time she hears that someone else is pregnant, she has to hide her grief, disappointment and anger that it is not her...again.

So at this time, I hold joy in one pocket and sorrow in the other. In the midst of my excitement, I remember the pain that some women are experiencing. It is hard to hold BOTH without diminishing one or the other. But life forces us to. It is not one or the other.  It is both.

Friday, February 1, 2013

Got inspiration? Not me.

I need another cup of coffee.
http://www.thebeancafe.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/cup-of-coffee.jpg
My motivation is low. All inspiration has vanished. I feel like hiding and emerging when spring (and the sunshine) arrives.

Some days I feel like my world is so small.  Some days I can only manage my marriage, two kids, and my hormonal body. Barely.

And then I read a blog or a facebook post about women who are making a difference. Fighting oppression and human injustice.  Making art. Challenging archaic views of women and church. Creating beautiful things and ideas. Envisioning new possibilities. And some of these women have small children, like more than 2 children.

Where do they find the passion? The energy? The inspiration? Right now I feel overwhelmed by the need to feed my family supper tonight. We probably shouldn't go out to eat again this week.

I want to live beyond myself and my family. I long to have a passion to channel my inspiration and energy into. But today, in this moment, I don't know how. I don't know how to make a difference in the lives of other women around me, let alone globally. I cannot find any inspiration.

I keep thinking that one day when my kids are in school I will be able to devote myself to a cause, to something that will make a difference. But today, I am not sure if that is true.  Maybe my middle class life is all I can manage. I hope not.

Maybe I will have another cup of coffee. For today that is about all the inspiration I can muster.