I've always struggled with my voice as a woman, perhaps it's why I dedicated my master's thesis in part to studying women and voice. Authors and researchers such as Carol Gilligan and Mary Pipher, along with my thesis supervisor inspired me to look more closely at my womanhood and my voice. In my readings, I learned that young girls learn to "silence" their voice for the sake of relationship. They would rather live in harmony than speak what is on their heart or mind. At first glance, of course, harmony doesn't seem problematic, especially if you are a woman reading this, but it's what is sacrificed that is problematic. That is, sense of self, feelings and beliefs. We see this "silencing" generally begin around adolescence...
But the other day I caught myself silencing my 3 year old daughter's voice.
On Saturday a little boy was chasing Montana. She ran by me and said, "mom, he is going to rip my coat." I gently replied in a teasing voice with something to the effect of, "Oh, Montana, he's not going to rip your coat. You better get used to boys chasing you. Deal with it."
Then the little boy's dad said, "Montana, if you don't want him to chase you, just ask him to stop. He'll stop."
It wasn't until later that afternoon I realized how powerful that small comment truly was. Yes, Montana, if you don't like something that is happening, by all means, please ask them to stop. It's so simple, so understated, and why wasn't this my response to my daughter?
I want to protect her and defend her, so of course I should be teaching her at this age to ask for a boy to stop chasing her when she doesn't like it. If she is encouraged to use her voice at this age, how much easier will it be for her when she is older and in situations that will require her to use her voice. As a woman in my thirties, I am still struggling and learning how to speak up and not "just deal with it." I long for my daughter to know her voice and not be afraid to speak, and here I am silencing it for her. I am reminded, however, that it's not just my words that can silence, but also my example. I am challenged and inspired to practice using my voice so that my daughter can see it in action.
But can I also say how grateful I am for this subtle, yet powerful shift that occurred on Saturday? And that she is 3 and not 13 or 30?
6 comments:
Wow - I've never heard of this concept before, but it makes perfect sense. And it's one of those things I fear for Aria as well, due to my unhealthy habits in that area as well. I'll have to be aware of that as I continue to parent too. Thanks for putting these thoughts on "paper".
I had a conversation yesterday with another Mom about the same thing. She was relaying a situation where she had failed to stand up for her daughter. I think more of us need a reminder that it is ok to use our voice. 'Turning the other cheek' did not mean that we could not use our voice to defend ourselves, or our children. I think we have gotten it a little out of whack the other way...time to correct that for our own daughters (and sons).
From Janet
So glad that this concept will be taught to Montana. As a teacher, we were always stressing to kids not to tattle and hit but to tell that person how it makes you feel about being bugged or teased, etc. Example: "I don't like it when you pull my coat. It worries me that my coat will be ripped." Its very effective ,but it is hard to get in the habit of expressing feelings. Start early!
YOU are a fabulous mom. God put Montana and Amos in just the right place.
-Lea
Kate, this made me cry. How much easier you are going to make it for Montana to be a strong, independent woman with a voice than it was for me to learn to use mine. I hope to be half the woman you are someday. You are incredible.
Damn you and your blog. You are like Oprah, I can't get through an entry without crying! Thank-you for sharing your thoughts. We need a constant reminder to BE the change for our children. I love you!
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