Collecting Sunshine and Happy Thoughts

April 1. Exactly two months until my due date. And exactly two days until I get on a plane to go to Arizona with Aaron and our close friends. Did I mention that the kids are staying home with Grandma and Papa (thank you!)??

Yes, we are going to collect sunshine and warmth for the Northwest Spring that tends to be rainy.  It is supposed to be 90 degrees while we are in Arizona and my goal is not to complain about the heat, but to soak it in and absorb as much Vitamin D as possible.

I am also going to collect happy thoughts about my husband.  You see, in about 3 months I will likely not have very happy thoughts about my husband in the middle of the night when I get up to nurse the baby again.  I know what's ahead with a newborn.  It is an exciting, sweet time with a new little one, but it is also exhausting and I remember the sleep deprivation well. More than ever with a new baby, my husband and I become business partners negotiating schedules and children and chores.  It's too easy forget that he is my friend and I like him. A lot.

So, we are leaving the kids behind to have some fun with our friends and with each other.  Just like I am going to collect sunshine for the rainy days, I am going to collect happy thoughts for the long nights. Arizona seems like the perfect place to do both. 

In 2 days, I will be sitting beside a pool soaking in the sun with my buddy beside me.

Belly x 3

25 weeks with Montana

 The other day I found these pictures of when I was about 25ish weeks pregnant with Montana and Amos.  I thought I would document 28 weeks with this little guy.  As you can see, I get bigger and bigger with each pregnancy! The 3rd pregnancy is VERY different than the first.  When I was pregnant with Montana, I had a lot of time to exercise and eat healthy.  I probably walked about an hour every day.  Currently my form of exercise is running to the grocery store to get my growing children (and myself) more food or running to ballet or swim lessons.  It doesn't necessarily burn calories!!  

Overall, I am feeling great and really love being pregnant. About 3 months to go before life as we know it is altered!!

25ish weeks with Amos

28 weeks with #3

Both

I am pregnant.  We are expecting a baby boy sometime around the first of June. We are happy and excited and feel so blessed.  We wanted a third baby and the third time must be a charm because unlike the other two kiddos, this one only took 1 or 2 "tries".

There is a Jewish concept that I learned from reading Blessings of a Skinned Knee, by Wendy Mogel and it has really stuck with me. It expresses the idea of balance: "Keep two pieces of paper in your pockets at all times.  On one write, 'I am a speck of dust.' On the other, 'The world was created for me.'"

This concept resonates with me deeply because so many times in life we experience opposing thoughts and feelings at one time.  How many times do we suggest that something is "bittersweet"?  For example, moving is sad and exciting.  It is not one or the other.  It is both.

When I think about having another baby and feel him moving inside of me, I am thrilled.  And then I think of some of my friends who long to be mothers. For some, a partner has come too late in life...or not at all.  For others, they have been trying to get pregnant for months and years.  Other friends have had too many miscarriages.  I can't help but remember these precious women in the midst of my fullness and feel sorrow.  I don't know what it's like, but I can imagine.  I can imagine that every time she hears that someone else is pregnant, she has to hide her grief, disappointment and anger that it is not her...again.

So at this time, I hold joy in one pocket and sorrow in the other. In the midst of my excitement, I remember the pain that some women are experiencing. It is hard to hold BOTH without diminishing one or the other. But life forces us to. It is not one or the other.  It is both.

Got inspiration? Not me.

I need another cup of coffee.

My motivation is low. All inspiration has vanished. I feel like hiding and emerging when spring (and the sunshine) arrives.

Some days I feel like my world is so small.  Some days I can only manage my marriage, two kids, and my hormonal body. Barely.

And then I read a blog or a facebook post about women who are making a difference. Fighting oppression and human injustice.  Making art. Challenging archaic views of women and church. Creating beautiful things and ideas. Envisioning new possibilities. And some of these women have small children, like more than 2 children.

Where do they find the passion? The energy? The inspiration? Right now I feel overwhelmed by the need to feed my family supper tonight. We probably shouldn't go out to eat again this week.

I want to live beyond myself and my family. I long to have a passion to channel my inspiration and energy into. But today, in this moment, I don't know how. I don't know how to make a difference in the lives of other women around me, let alone globally. I cannot find any inspiration.

I keep thinking that one day when my kids are in school I will be able to devote myself to a cause, to something that will make a difference. But today, I am not sure if that is true.  Maybe my middle class life is all I can manage. I hope not.

Maybe I will have another cup of coffee. For today that is about all the inspiration I can muster.

Another week, another birthday

Trying out his new sleeping bag

 My little guy turned 2 this week!  I cannot believe it!  He quickly came into this world on a Saturday afternoon. Oh I can remember him as a newborn.  What a love bug!  He has brought our family so much joy.  He was a pretty mellow baby, although definitely a mama's boy, and he has turned into a crazy toddler.  Everyday he says more and communicates more.  Very often he knows what he wants and doesn't give up until he gets it.  Lately he has turned into quite the rascal.  It cracks me up. He has quickly figured out how to torment his sister and push her buttons.  It is funny to watch him copy her now too.  He has started fake crying (thanks, Montana) and saying "yewwww" when Aaron and I kiss (thanks, Montana).

Presents!

He is still so sweet.  I can hardly resist when he brings a book to me and shoves it in my face and says "read me" or when he grabs my hand and pulls me toward his toys and says, "play me". Melts my heart just thinking about it. He likes to sit on the counter and help me make breakfast.  There are days when I want to freeze him just as he is and other days I wish he was potty-trained.

His very own carrot cake

For his 2nd birthday we went to story time at the library.  He loves singing the songs and listening to the books. We had his friend Alec (and Alec's parents) over for an early dinner and cake.  It's so funny watching kids this age interact.  It usually takes Alec and Amos an hour or so to realize that the other one is there! Amos got legos and books and a sleeping bag for his birthday. We paused our moving, painting, and cleaning activities to celebrate our little guy.  We are so thankful for him and thrilled to have him in our lives.

We love you loads, Amos Pax!!

'tis the season

Oh my.  Where have the last few months gone?

Well first of all, I got a job. I am working at Trinity Western University at the Bellingham campus and I also taught 1 course (2 sections) at the campus in Canada.  It's been a whirlwind. Teaching was a hard, good, overwhelming experience.  I taught Introduction to Learning to adults returning to school to finish their BA.  I feel grateful for this opportunity, but I was so relieved once I finished grading and turned in all of my grades. Phew. What a load off.

Making gingerbread houses

And I finished up the class just in time....for Thanksgiving, Montana's birthday, Aaron's birthday, Amos' birthday, Christmas decorating and moving (again!). We are moving all the way across co-housing to a bigger unit as well as a permanent rental.  I really hope to not move around the holidays for a very long time!

But one of the most exciting things in the midst of this was Montana's 5th Birthday!!  She was very ready to turn 5.  We had a "tea" party with a few friends.  She was only supposed to invite a couple of friends, but when you live in community, small parties turn into larger ones! She asked for dessert for dinner. We indulged her with ice cream.  I tried to get her to eat soup for "dessert", but that didn't really work. I think she had a fun day.


Montana is so delightful.  She is articulate and smart and loves all things beautiful and sparkly. She has a tendency toward the dramatics, but can easily be distracted. She continues to love dress-up and begs to wear makeup (which she was allowed to do on her birthday).  She is constantly coming up with new scenarios for us to play.  "Pretend we're kitties." "I am a teenager, but a rockstar." She invites us into those games and her dad is so good at going there.  Her latest thing is praying for "everything in the universe, even the aliens." She and her little brother have been playing together more, which is such a delight to see.  They also fight more, which is not so delightful.  Amos pulls her hair, crawls on top of her, hugs her around her waist and doesn't let go, and on and on.  Sometimes I just stand back and laugh because it is so funny watching this little guy harass his big sister.

Montana goes to preschool twice a week.  This year she complains a bit more about going, but likes it when she goes.  Her teacher believes that she is very artistic and musical.  Montana is just a joy.  I can't believe 5 years ago, we were 2 new scared parents driving her home from the hospital. She teaches us so much, and stretches me and makes me face "my stuff". I love her for it.

Montana Faith: Happy 5th Birthday.  You are loved beyond words and Mom and Dad are so proud of you.

College

I miss college. I miss having friends down the hall and boys to talk about.  I miss going to class and working at the dining hall.  Life was simple. Everything was black or white. I had life figured out.

Perhaps that is why Aaron and I decided to volunteer for Young Life College and start a Biblestudy.  We certainly didn't need more activities in our lives, we have plenty of things to do already.  But we were missing college students. A lot. It's been awhile since we've hung out with college students.  Last Monday night we had our first gathering. I felt kind of old. But when I sat down and talked with the one girl who showed up, I knew this is exactly what we need to be doing.

She just got her first Bible a couple of weeks ago.  She doesn't know much about Jesus or Christianity, but she is so eager to learn.  It excites me to be thinking and talking about Jesus with fresh eyes. It's so easy to throw Christian-ese around and not connect with the meaning of it all. We have other students who are similar to me.  They grew up in the church.  They know the lingo.  It's going to be a wonderful challenge to walk alongside these students in their unique journeys of faith.

Not much has changed about college students.  Yes, they carry iphones and grew up on Harry Potter, but they are longing to belong. They have it all figured out, yet are so malleable. They are fun to be around and eager to learn. So much of life is ahead of them.

Yep, I miss college.